


Awaken

by arascain



Category: K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Coma, Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Instability, Panic Attacks, Some Swearing, Trauma, more members will probably appear as the story goes on, some almost-deaths but nobody dies for real i promise, there's a stray kitten
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-04-18 12:04:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14212764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arascain/pseuds/arascain
Summary: Changlix (kinda) Ghost AU in which Changbin is in coma yet his soul doesn’t rest.





	1. Broken Compass

[Changbin POV]

I’ve always enjoyed road trips with Chan. He’d pop up at my doorstep on Saturday mornings, shooting me a bright smile and asking me to come along with him. He ended up driving to random places we’ve never been to before while I was sitting shotgun, picking the music; both of us singing and rapping along with the tune. We always had fun, and Chan was a great driver. He never got distracted by all the noise we produced, he obeyed all the rules and his driving style was comfortable enough to endure for hours. He never got into any trouble or accidents, he was _careful_. That’s why the sudden bright lights and screeching of car tires shook me to the core. 

It hurt. Everything hurt. I groaned in pain, tried to open my eyes, tried to find Chan. His panic-stricken face flashed in front of me. He was shouting at me. Was he really? My ears were ringing, I couldn’t hear anything else. His hand touched my cheek. I tried to lean into the touch, wanted to tell him I was okay, that he didn’t have to worry about me. I couldn’t move. It hurt. Everything turned black.

 

[Felix POV]

Chris and I liked going out on weekends. Not the _›we’re going to clubs trying to get laid‹_ kind of going out, nah, we actually went _out_. Taking walks clears your mind after a long week of school, after pulling way too many all-nighters and living off coffee. We started doing this about half a year ago. Chris had seemed off the day he first asked me to go for a walk with him. He hadn’t been in school for a week, and I had noticed a slight, but constant tremor going through his whole body which hadn’t been there before. I went with him, of course. In the beginning, Chris had always seemed tense and aloof, so I was too scared of speaking up to break the silence. With time though, Chris slowly started opening up more, starting conversations between the both of us. We've never had a silent walk since.  
When we reached Chris’ apartment after our walk, I said goodbye, again noticing the tremor in his hands which had become less obvious but had never really vanished. I kind of hated myself for being such a coward and not asking what it was about, if he was sick or something. I figured he would have told me if it was something serious. I didn’t want to pressure him. _Excuses._ I knew it, but I still couldn’t bring up the courage. I hugged my friend before he went inside and closed the door behind him. When I turned around to go home, I saw a boy sitting on the pavement, playing with a stray kitten which looked way too small and thin to be walking around by itself. I hadn’t seen either of them here yet, even though the boy appeared to be our age, maybe a little older than me. Despite his oversized yellow jumper and the fact that he was playing with a _kitten_ , he somehow gave off a sad vibe. He didn’t smile, his gaze was empty. To be honest, he was creeping me out a little, so I made sure to leave fast. His eyes were following me as I left, and I made sure to text Chris to be careful because of a weirdo in front of his house. It turned out the boy must have had already left when I got a text back.

The second time I met the odd dude in the yellow sweater was only a few days later. I was sitting in class – maths to be specific – and was looking out of the window because I sure as hell didn’t understand anything the teacher was trying to drill into my brain. He was sitting on a bench outside, still wearing the same clothes as the last time, a few rays of sunlight illuminating the sorrow smile on his face. I didn’t know what he was looking at, but in that moment, I decided that he was absolutely breathtaking.  
»Lee Felix, maybe your grades would be better if you actually started paying attention instead of randomly staring out of the window.«  
The teacher’s voice startled me a little and made me bow my head in apology. When my gaze shifted to the bench outside again, the boy was gone.

The third time I saw the beautiful guy, I directly bumped into him while Chris and I were on our way home from school. I didn’t see his face at first, so I just mumbled a »What the fuck, mate?« before turning around to properly look at him. »It’s you _again_?« Both him and Chris stared at me as if I was going mental. »Are you a stalker or something? You should really leave us alone.« He was still glaring at me, his mouth and eyes wide open in disbelief.  
»You… can see me?«  
Heck? Maybe I wasn’t the one going mental then.  
»Why shouldn’t I see you, what are you, some kind of ghost?«  
He attempted to say something, but was cut off by Chris who still had a very confused look on his face.  
»Felix, mind telling me why you’re talking to… air?«  
The stalker didn’t seem to take Chris’ words well, he instantly went stiff and bit his lip, the sad glance was back again. He eyed Chris like an old friend, and that’s what creeped me out even more. Did I believe in ghosts? Not at all (except for when I’m lying in bed at 3 am surrounded by nothing but pitch-black darkness, but we’re not talking about that). I was starting to wonder what kind of prank Chan and his weird friend were pulling on me.  
»So you seriously want to tell me you don’t see or know this guy? Come on, Chan. He’s got an undercut, ear piercings, a black cap with a yellow jumper. He looks kinda handsome, is this an attempt to hook me up with someone? God damn it, Chris.«  
He didn't look as if he was having fun. Horrified. That’s what described him most at this exact moment. He turned completely pale, began shaking even more than he usually did. His eyebrows furrowed, and his eyes went glassy as if he could break down in any second.   
»What kind of sick joke is this, Felix?«  
His voice was barely more than a whisper, there was so much sorrow in it. My heart stung painfully, and I knew something was seriously, horribly wrong. He didn’t even look at me before he left, his footsteps shaky yet determined. I should have called out to him. I should have _followed_ him for god’s sake, but instead ended up staring at the sick excuse of a ghost. I felt lost without Chan by my side while talking to this creep.   
»Can you just not haunt me please«, I asked quietly, trying to process what had just happened.  
His gaze remained at the spot Chris had stood not even a minute ago, and only reluctantly shifted towards me.  
»Listen, I’m just… a soul wandering around, I guess? You’re the first person that can see me. So… yeah, I need to ask for a favour. It might sound ridiculous because I obviously have some problems that might seem more important, but this also isn’t a minor issue. You’re the only one I can ask for help, so please follow me, alright?«  
Without listening to a response, he started walking and I, a great intellectual who knew exactly how to react when a stranger asked them for a favour, followed him. We didn’t speak along the way, which wasn’t much of a problem since it wasn’t long until we reached our destination.  
»He’s about to die«, he said, kneeling down in front of the tiny stray kitten I had seen playing with him a few days ago. It was just laying there, its slow breath the only sign of it still being alive. »I can’t help him, he’s starving, _please_.«   
I hadn’t even realized that I had knelt down besides him, my fingers were softly caressing the kitten’s fur. It didn’t feel fluffy or warm or satisfying at all, it felt cold and bony, it was dying.   
»I still don’t believe you«, I admitted without taking my eyes off the kitten.  
»You don’t have to. Just help him, yeah?«  
His voice was soft, caring, still kind of raspy though, it fit him well. My fight with Chris was almost forgotten, there were more pressing matters at the moment.  
»Do I just… lift him up?« I was scared of accidentally hurting the cat, but he gave me an encouraging nod, so I carefully picked the kitten up and placed it on my lap.  
»Thank you.« He gave me an honest smile, one that reached his eyes, and then he was… gone. Again. He had disappeared. Right in front of me. So… He really was a ghost. Or a very fast vampire or some shit like that. A creep, basically. Normal humans don’t do these things. Usually.  
I shrugged my shoulders and stood up, carrying the kitten to Chris’ house.   
»I’m gonna kill you if you haunt me tonight«, I mumbled while writing an apology text to Chris, asking him to drive me to the vet because I had found a dying stray kitten out of nowhere. Chris can’t have a kitten die, and neither can I, even if it’s a task from a weird nameless ghost stranger. Needless to say, we were on our way shortly after.


	2. 3rd Eye

[Chan POV]

Half a year. It’s been around half a year since my whole life had went down the drain. Half a year of grief and despair, of guilt and mourning over a friend who wasn’t even dead. It probably would have been easier if he had died in that crash, or if I had died instead of having to live with the fact that it was my fault that my best friend has been in a comatose state for half a year now. If I had reacted earlier, if I had seen the car – I continued to blame myself for everything, but truth is, I couldn’t have changed anything. The other driver had come out of nowhere, drunk and speeding, and yet he was fucking alive and well, while Changbin had almost died.  
It was all still way too real, I had been conscious after the crash, but Changbin had been hit badly, he could barely stay awake and only managed to for a few seconds before he drifted off.  
Changbin never wore anything but black, but that day, he had tried on the yellow jumper I bought him for his last birthday. »Trust me, it will look good on you«, I had told him; it took almost two months for him to finally wear it though. The sight still haunted me, of his eyes out of focus yet still _pleading_ for the short time he was still conscious, and of his yellow jumper two sizes too big for him soaked in blood.  
The memories sent shivers down my spine. I didn’t know why Felix felt the urge to bring Changbin up, in all these months he hadn’t ever commented anything on my weird behaviour, I didn’t understand why he had to bring him up in such a cruel way. I didn’t even know that he had known him in the first place. He couldn’t have known about his outfit that day, come to think of it. It didn’t make any sense, the whole scenario with Felix a few minutes ago, except if-  
My phone vibrated softly in my pocket and I was a little surprised to see a text from Felix.

From: Memeboii  
_mate im sorry bout what happened be4 can u drive me to the vet I found a stray kitten_

What? Before I could even properly think about the message, Felix already appeared in front of me, a sorrowful expression on his face and a very tiny kitten in his hands.  
»Listen, I don’t know if you already read my message. I’m terribly sorry about that… incident, but this kitten really needs help. We can talk while you’re driving? You have a license, right?«  
Ah, right. I did.  
»The car broke down yesterday.« I quickly made up a lie, Felix really didn’t have to know that I hadn’t seen the inside of a car since the accident, the thought of driving or just sitting in a car was enough to push me to the edge of a panic attack. »There’s a vet nearby though, let’s just walk there?«  
Needless to say, we were keeping a fast walking pace on our way and Felix raised his voice after a few minutes. »I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you. I didn’t realise…«  
I interrupted him, my voice unstable. »Just tell me it wasn’t a joke.«  
Talking about Changbin still wasn’t an easy task. I made sure to visit him in the hospital at least once a week, to tell him how lonely it was without him, to tell him I was sorry, to break down crying each and every time. It was hard living with the knowledge that it’s your fault your best friend almost died and not being able to actually talk to him about what had happened.  
»It wasn’t. I’m sorry.«  
Instead of telling him it was fine – because it wasn’t – I just nodded and silence set in again until we reached the vet’s office where Felix and I were told to wait as they took care of the kitten.  
»I think I met a ghost, Chris«, Felix said out of nowhere, a few minutes after we had taken a seat in the waiting room. »That’s how I found the kitten. I saw him play with it some days ago, in front of your house. In Maths class, I was looking out of the window and he was just sitting out there on a bench, and then I bumped into him. That was before our… fight. I swear, I’m not kidding you, I spoke to him, and he looked exactly the way I described him to you, and he’s always looking at you with such a weird emotion in his eyes, so I thought he might be a stalker, but apparently you don’t even see him and that’s even weirder than his whole appearance. So anyway, after you left, he told me to follow him and then there was this kitten again and he said he couldn’t help it, and I told him I’d bring it to the vet and he smiled at me and then he just disappeared. Not as in left, he straight up disappeared in front of me, Chris, and now I’m scared he’ll haunt me and I’m also pretty sure that I’m developing a crush on a fucking ghost.«  
It took me a while to stop staring at him with a blank expression. A ghost, wearing a yellow jumper, a black cap, with an undercut and ear piercings. Playing with a stray kitten. Looking at me.  
»What was his name?«  
I started fidgeting with my hands. Could it be him?  
»I have no idea, he didn’t tell me.« Felix didn’t notice the change in my behaviour and just went on talking. »Seriously though, he looks really good when the sun is shining on his face, and you should have seen his smile. Do you think it's possible to date a ghost?«  
There was a possibility of Changbin being the ghost he was talking about. However, there was an even higher possibility of Felix going mental. This whole scenario was confusing, to say the least. There's no such thing as ghosts, right? Changbin wasn't even dead. Do ghosts have to be dead? Do people turn into ghosts whenever they fall asleep? But how can people be haunted when everyone in this society's a part-time ghost? Do ghosts haunt other ghosts? I didn't think of this as a joke. If it was real to Felix, it should be taken seriously. It's coping, I guess, making fun of it in order not to let it affect me too much and get my hopes up.  
»Maybe you should ask him for his name first.«  
My answer seemed satisfying enough to shut him up for a while.

They came back without the kitten, telling us to go home while they’ll try their best to help the poor thing regain its health and find a new home afterwards. Felix wasn’t having it and instantly started trying to talk them into letting him take the kitten with him, promising he’d look after it. On our way home, the sleeping animal wrapped in a bundle, he finally realised that taking care of it would demand great efforts and time he didn’t really have, so that’s how I ended up sitting at my desk, composing new songs, with a tiny kitten resting on my lap. Felix tried to do his homework on my bed – or rather gave up on it, shuffling closer and tapping my shoulder so I’d remove my headphones while he sat down on another chair right next to mine.  
»Now that he’ll stay with you, he needs a name, right? What about Jeongin?«  
It did have a nice ring to it, so I offered him a smile and nodded as Felix continued.  
»You’ll look after him, won’t you? I’m sorry I can’t keep him at my place, but you can bring him with you whenever you visit. Maybe we could also take him on our walks?«  
Jeongin meowed softly and stretched his limbs, demanding to be pet. Who was I to refuse?  
»When he’s stronger again, we’ll definitely do that«, I said, my hand carefully caressing the kitten’s fur.  
It was quiet for a while, until Felix’ eyes caught a photo lying on my desk, a crumbled picture of Changbin and I on one of our road trips. It had been a starry night, we’d been sitting at a campfire, randomly singing and rapping along to songs on our playlist. Jisung had been with us for this specific trip, he was the one responsible for the picture. Our faces, dimly lit by the fire, didn’t show anything but sincere happiness. We were free, relaxing under the night sky, smiling at each other, laughing, having fun. It was a nice picture. I found it barely a week ago and directed the anger I bottled up towards it. When Changbin lapsed into a coma, he had left nothing behind but emptiness inside my chest. It was eating me alive, making it hard to breathe and to go on as if nothing happened. Completely destroying the photograph however was something I couldn’t have done. I still remember breaking down, bursting into tears, the crumbled piece of paper in my hand.  
»Who’s that other guy?«, Felix asked. My throat went dry even though his question didn’t take me by surprise.  
»A friend«, I said, not daring to tell him more, not having uttered a single word about Changbin since he’d fallen under a comatose state. Jisung and my family had been trying to talk to me about him for the whole six months, but I refused each and every time.  
Felix fortunately stopped asking questions, only gave my shoulder a slight squeeze and then started packing his stuff. »I need to go, it’s getting late.«  
He was right, it was almost midnight. Poor guy still had to finish his homework and get some proper sleep before going to school early the next morning. For obvious reasons, I skipped most of my classes these days. I didn’t care a lot about passing, I just wanted to concentrate on my music and drown in self-pity while I still got away with it.  
After a hug that might have lasted a tiny bit longer than our usual hugs, Felix soon seemed to be swallowed by the dark. It wasn’t a rare occurrence, us walking home from each other’s houses at ungodly hours, so I didn’t worry too much about him. The guy also had a black belt in Taekwondo, so if one of us was going to survive alone in the dark, it would be him.  
As I entered my room again, Jeongin was already asleep in his makeshift bed, breathing calmly under the warm blanket the vet gave him, so I quickly changed into my pyjamas. I felt the urge to continue composing that new song I was working on, but it was already way too late to be up, and the little cat needed some proper sleep. I needed to visit Changbin again soon, I thought, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I’d always been alone whenever I went to the hospital, but I started wondering if I should take Felix with me, if I should tell him about what happened. Jisung knew, of course, they had told him, but I had never talked to him about the incident. It would probably be a bad idea to try and open up about the matter to the other Australian boy, I didn’t feel ready yet and didn’t know if I ever would, considering the fact that it’s already been half a year. A sigh escaped my lips as I turned off the lights, and I reached down to softly run my fingers through Jeongin’s fur again in an attempt to calm both him and (mainly) myself. It did take a while until I fell asleep, but that wasn’t something unusual. Changbin’s face haunted me, just like my own guilt, and if there was a tiny hope that he could be awake, as a ghost or whatever, I chose to believe in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're already preparing yourself for the upcoming chapters with Chris, your soul will suffer.  
> Since I decided to do POV style chapters, they might remain about this approximate length each, but I will try my best to write longer ones in the future.
> 
> Let me know what you think ♥


	3. School Life

[Felix POV]

 

Saying the streets were dark as fuck would have been an understatement. It was freezing cold with the sun gone and my coat really didn’t help much. Ten minutes, Felix, you can do it. I should have asked Chris to let me stay over for the night but my mother would have been worried, so I had decided to go home instead. I wasn’t prepared for school tomorrow, having given up on my maths homework.

»Who even gets maths?«, I mumbled, hands hidden in the pockets of my coat.

»I do.«

I did not scream. Absolutely not. I almost pissed my pants though.

»I should probably stop appearing and disappearing all of a sudden«, the slightly smaller ghost said, looking up to me with a pout. _Mate, could you not do that, please? I can’t develop an actual crush on a ghost._ »Anyway, I wanted to thank you. I know you helped the kitten, and I’m glad it’s safe with Chan now.«

He knew Chris’ name and I was completely sure it was him on the photograph I had seen on my friend’s desk. »How do you know Chris?«, I asked, carefully watching his expression which quickly turned sad.

»I’d rather not talk about it, it’s really complicated, and he probably shouldn’t know I’m around as a more-or-less-ghost when he can’t see me. Could we just focus on the kitten instead – Jeongin, right? Or I could help you with your maths homework?«

I was already expecting him to change the topic. It was like asking him why he died, or almost died, or whatever, it was something you didn’t ask a ghost. But hey, help with maths would be a blessing, so I wasn’t mad at all.

»Gosh, please. Who even cares about rational functions? I’m going to fail this class. You know, last time in maths class I got distracted looking at« (you) »something outside, because maths lessons are boring if you don’t get anything.« Phew, saved.

»I hope you liked what you saw«, he said, a grin on his face, and I knew right then that suddenly, now that he knew I could see him, he was aware of what – or rather who – I had been looking at. »You should seriously pay attention in class, though. Do you really think you’ll get better if you’re not listening?«

Got me there, mate.

 

We didn’t talk for the rest of the way, but I didn’t mind because, quite strangely, I felt safe out in the dark with him – _a ghost_ – by my side. Sure enough, my mother didn’t see the ghost as we entered the house which spared me from having to ask her if he could stay for a while.

»Do you have a name?«, I finally asked him while sitting down on my chair, pulling out my maths homework once again.

»You can call me Spear«, he said, casually leaning against my desk.

Spear. What the actual fuck, dude? »That’s a shit name and you know it, I refuse to call you that.«

He seemed to be offended, judging by his obvious pout. »Bin then.«

I nodded, that name was better. »Alright, Binnie. I’m Felix.« Ghost boy blushed a little at the nickname, and I hid a tiny smirk from him. He hadn’t hurt me so far, so it was safe to assume that he wasn’t a poltergeist or some fucked up horror ghost, I could call him whatever I wanted without him being able to do anything about it. Except maybe not helping me with my homework, which actually was a huge threat to my safety considering the teacher was really freaking close to giving me months’ worth of detention over unfinished homework and not paying attention.

»Let’s start?«, Bin asked, his voice soft and strangely comforting in contemplation of the upcoming evil also known as mathematics.

 

Our ›study session‹ made maths surprisingly easy to understand. Having someone who explained it to me in a calm and patient manner, encouraging me rather than focusing on my mistakes too much, I eventually got the hang of it. Weird.

»You’re a lifesaver.« I sighed, finally closing the books and starting to prepare my backpack for the next day. A glance at the clock on my phone suggested that going to bed was long due, yet somehow, it had been easy to forget the time around Bin, focused on maths and the boy’s soft and reassuring voice.

»Is it offensive to call a ghost a lifesaver?«, I mumbled, weariness washing over me as I took off the sweater I was wearing to reveal a plain white shirt underneath.

»Felix, I’m not dead.« He said it in a rather dry manner and I couldn’t figure out if he was offended or sad or just indifferent about the question.

»Sorry«, I replied, suppressing a yawn and trying to explain myself. »It’s just hard getting used to you. You’re alive, but then again, you’re walking around without anyone besides me being able to see you. We shouldn’t call you a ghost, huh?«

Bin offered a tiny smile. »I don’t mind. Don’t worry too much about offending me. I’ve been all alone for about six months now, it’s good to have someone to talk to after all this time.«

Six months. I didn’t doubt anymore that there was a grave connection between Chris and him, what were the odds of all this just being a huge coincidence? Chris changed drastically half a year ago after what only could have been a rather traumatic experience. Bin had been walking around as a not-quite-ghost for the same time span, and though I didn’t know how it had happened and didn’t want to ask, the only proper reason for him not being an actual ghost must be an unconscious, yet not dead state: a coma, caused by whatever continued haunting Chris, day by day. I didn’t want to confront either of them about it, so I just kept on talking to Bin about the most mundane things after changing into my pyjamas, telling him about school, my friends, the music I listened to and the new kitten. He was following my words, never averting his gaze from my face as I spoke, showing tiny reactions like a smile or a huff every now and then, and even actively engaging in the conversation sometimes, though he never told me any details about himself. Talking to him didn’t make the situation we were both in any clearer yet listening to his soothing voice felt like a solution to every single one of my current problems.

After a while, I felt too tired to talk. He seemed to notice, lowering his voice and telling me stories about how he met Jeongin and how he ended up enjoying free entry to some rap concerts thanks to his invisibility to everyone else besides me. I sure was special, huh?

It might have been my imagination, but I could have sworn I heard him whisper »You are« before tiredness washed over me.

 

When I woke up a few hours later, Bin was gone. While I was relieved on one hand, my room already felt a little empty without him. At least he really won’t haunt me, I thought as I spotted a note on my desk. The writing was a mess and it was especially hard to figure out what had been crossed out (I’m not a native speaker, god dammit), but I managed eventually.

 

_Don’t be late for school and remember not to tell Chan anything._

_~~You look cute when you’re sleeping.~~ _

_Make sure to eat breakfast._

_- ~~Binnie~~ Spear _

Needless to mention, I kept the note in my pocket the entire day. Even though it was stupid to crush on someone this hard after such little time, he had called me cute. Me! Cute!

My phone’s screen lit up in my bag, showing a message from Chris who sat two rows behind me. When exactly did secret paper notes die out, huh?

 

From: Shrimp on the barbie

_who are you so whipped for mate_

 

To: Shrimp on the barbie

_excuse u_

 

From: Shimp on the barbie

_you’ve been staring out of the window smiling like an idiot_

_for ten minutes straight during music lessons_ _this is the_

_only proper explanation for your behaviour_

To: Shrimp on the barbie

_ur a traitor chris_

 

From: Shrimp on the barbie

_who let you copy their maths homework anyway_

 

To: Shrimp on the barbie

_i didnt copy anything ur just jelly i got it right_

_anywho wanna hang out later im craving chicken_

»I’d appreciate it if you weren’t texting in my class, Mr Lee«, the teacher suddenly said, catching me off guard and snatching my phone. »See you in detention.«

 

Detention was horrible, to say the least. Sitting in a room alone, without being able to listen to music or do pretty much anything besides writing the same old sentence a million times, was honestly one of my nightmares. Chris had gotten away with it and felt a little guilty for distracting me from looking out of the window, so he promised to pay for my chicken later.

»I saw you doing your homework, how did you end up here?«

Bin’s sudden appearance startled me so much I fell off the chair, staring up at him with wide eyes.

»When will you learn not to scare me like this?!«, I yelled, rubbing my lower back. He flinched a little and I instantly felt sorry about snapping at him.

»I’m sorry«, he mumbled as he extended his hand. »Need some company?«

I let him pull me up, shivering at a sudden ice-cold chill running through my body. Come to think of it, I hadn’t touched Bin ever before. Were all ghosts this cold?

»Chris texted me in class and the teacher only caught me«, I explained as I sat back down. »I’d appreciate your company, this is awful.«

He hummed in satisfaction, lifting himself up on the table next to mine. We spent a few minutes in silence, he was watching me as I scribbled down the remaining sentences.

»So you think I’m cute when I’m sleeping?«, I asked, desperately hoping I didn’t read the note wrong.

Apparently, I didn’t, judging by his unexpected cough and the mad blush spreading on his face.

»How were you even able to – never mind. So what? I left right after leaving the note. I didn’t watch you or anything, I swear.«

It was adorable, watching him stumble over his own words, not even trying to make up an excuse but rather explaining that his intentions hadn’t been bad. It made my heart beat stronger against my ribcage and I hoped he didn’t have some weird ghost-superpowers to pick up on it. Hakuna your tatas, Felix.

»Sure.« I smiled at him with the brightest grin I could manage and oh boy, his face turned an even darker shade of red. It should be forbidden to be this cute, especially in front of me. At least others couldn’t see and compare him to me, nobody should be allowed to be cuter than me.

»I’m meeting up with Chris now«, I told him as I packed my bag, including the essay of stupid sentences I wrote which I’d have to exchange for my phone at the teacher’s office. »Feel free to tag along.«

I heard a grunt and when I turned around, Bin was already gone, what a surprise. »At least say goodbye the next time, you jerk.«

 

 

The chicken was amazing. Chris and I met three other guys he knew on our way, I was friends with Seungmin and Woojin too, but I didn’t know Hyunjin yet. Considering Woojin’s love for chicken, the five of us ended up eating together. It wasn’t until after I had my fourth piece of chicken that I noticed Hyunjin seeming to be close to Chris in a weird way. Although they were speaking to each other rather comfortably, both of them were somehow tense and Chris’s hands were shaking a little more than usual. I decided to watch it for a while, making sure I wasn’t hallucinating, but there was definitely something left unspoken between them.

It wasn’t up to me to interfere, so I ignored the whole matter as best as I could, excusing myself after a while, thanking Chris for the meal and telling the boys I’d still have to study. They let me go without any further inquiries or begging me to stay, so I was on my way home soon after.

 

Trying to stop thinking about the two guys’ behaviour was hard and left a sour taste in my mouth. The whole thing was undoubtedly connected to Bin once again, just like everything else that made Chris’ condition worse, yet it seemed impossible to find out what exactly was going on between them – Chris having shown a way stronger reaction than Hyunjin who had been more awkwardly cautious than anything else. Asking my best friend about it wouldn’t lead anywhere, I was sure of that, and I didn’t dare ask a guy I had only just got to know about his connection to someone who has most likely been comatose for half a year. Bin didn’t want to talk about it either, so patience seemed to be the only option left.

 

The not-quite-ghost didn’t show up for the whole rest of the day and it made me wonder if anything happened to him. He wasn’t obliged to show up to talk to me, gosh no, but as I lay awake in my bed at ungodly hours once again, I found myself missing him and his stupid yellow sweater. He probably had ghost-stuff to do and would show up the next day. I hoped so at least. _Felix, you’re whipped._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back with a chapter! Thanks for waiting so patiently ♥  
> I started university and it's super stressful to say the least, but I hope I can continue writing~  
> May this heal your soul before some shit goes down in the next chapter.


	4. Insomnia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!  
> This chapter includes a panic attack, please be careful and stay safe uwu

**Chapter 4**

 

[Chan POV]

 

Out of everyone, it just had to be Hwang Hyunjin. The one person closest to Changbin next to Jisung and me, easily the most important and trusted person in his life, and above all: his ex-boyfriend. Eating together had been hard enough, but I couldn’t get him to leave as I mentioned going to the hospital after Felix, Woojin and Seungmin had left. Hyunjin definitely wanted to talk to me alone, I’d been able to feel that tension for the whole time.

»Listen«, he finally broke the silence as we walked through the park leading to the hospital. »I know you were with him when it happened. You were hurt too. Nobody talks to me, I’ve tried, I just want to know what happened, Chan. I deserve to know.«

He placed his hand on my shoulder, careful as he’d always been, and I knew he didn’t mean any harm. »Don’t«, I whispered, stepping away from him in order to avoid breaking down in front of him. »I can’t talk about it.«

A sigh escaped him, not the annoyed kind, it sounded exhausted. »It’s been half a year, Chan, maybe you should start opening up about your fears. They’re consuming you, and it will only get worse if he doesn’t…« He takes a deep breath before continuing. »We both know he might not wake up anymore.«

»I know«, I simply replied. Of course I knew, I didn’t even try lying to myself. It’s been six months and his chances were getting slimmer day by day. However, there was another thing I was certain about. He wasn’t going to die without me.

»Let me come with you.« I was thankful that he didn’t dwell on trying to make me tell him, but the tension still didn’t quite cease. The remaining walk to the hospital was silent, but my heart felt heavier with every step I took.

I let him go inside the room first. He didn’t comment on it, simply gave me a nod and disappeared for a while. Sitting outside, right in front of the room I visited every week, made me feel a little uneasy. It was my first time being here with someone else, the place I was most vulnerable at. Hyunjin probably noticed, he was good at spotting the little things.

They hadn’t been together anymore when the accident happened, yet they had remained inseparable. It had been a weird thing between them, but it had worked out for quite a while until they decided they would be better off as friends. They were never one of the cringy couples, their relationship was cuddling on the couch watching cringy anime, holding hands in public so they wouldn’t lose each other in the crowds, piggyback rides home when Changbin was too tired to stand after spending the whole night at the studio producing new songs, shared bowls of instant ramen at three in the morning, loving gazes that might have held a meaning deeper than friendship.

I felt at fault for pulling them apart. Not their relationship, but I was to blame for Changbin’s miserable state. Hyunjin didn’t know that I had been the driver. Nobody knew, and I wasn’t planning on changing anything about it. It’s not like I was scared of anyone being mad at me, it was the fear of talking about the whole incident. The guilt ate me alive, it kept me awake and haunted me in my dreams whenever I managed to fall asleep.

I tried keeping my hands occupied with each other, noticing that the tremor got worse again. It didn’t help, but at least it was less apparent to the few people passing by every now and then.

»You can go in now.« Hyunjin’s voice startled me and made me flinch. »I’m leaving, okay? You have my number, call me if you ever need to talk, yeah?«

I got up, ready to enter Bin’s room. »I will.« It was a lie obvious to the both of us, but he chose not to comment on it. Instead, he nodded and turned around, walking away without saying another word.

 

The room felt cold and empty like always. He looked peaceful lying on the bed, his wounds fully healed by now, leaving behind some tiny and not-so-tiny scars. I had only ever seen the damage on his arms and face and was hoping the rest of his body wasn’t hurt as badly as the visible parts. His hand was tiny in mine, not nearly as warm as it used to be, but not yet drained of all heat.

»I’m back«, I whispered, control over my voice already lost. »How are you doing today?«

It was useless asking questions, but I did anyway. »I guess it’s the same as always, huh? It really should have been me.« The doctors said he’d hear, and I was sure Changbin wouldn’t have wanted me drown in self-pity, but... »It’s hard, you know? Knowing you might not wake up because I fucked up. You’re not supposed to lie around and waste your life. I just want you to wake up again, Bin.« The tears weren’t supposed to come, but as always, trying to hold them back didn’t work as well as I wished it would.

»I know you wouldn’t like me being like this, but«, my voice finally broke, just like every time I visited him. I should be used to the quickening pace of my heartbeat by now, to the sudden shivers and to breaking out in sweat, to the tears that wouldn’t stop coming, to running out of breath and to the aching emptiness inside my chest. Just like all the other days in the past, I lost control over myself again. I had given up on trying to regain it, knowing damn well it hadn’t helped in the past and wouldn’t help today either. The guilt was choking me, leaving me unable to breathe, my eyes were out of focus just like Changbin’s eyes back then. I would never forget the pain and confusion I had seen in them before they closed for a long time that might turn into eternity. I held onto his hand, the tremors running through my body the same way they did the day they made me leave the hospital without my best friend.

»Chan?« The familiar voice made me flinch, and I barely managed to jerk away from his hand reaching out for my shoulder.

»Don’t«, I hissed, my voice unstable and suffocating, »don’t touch, Jisung, please.«

It wasn’t his usual time to be here, I hadn’t expected him to be here, and it only made things worse.

»Hey, are you okay? I didn’t mean to interrupt or surprise you…« Of course he didn’t mean to, it still didn’t stop me from snapping at him.

»Do I fucking look okay to you?« He grimaced a little, and I instantly regretted venting it all on him. When he approached me this time, he was more careful, slower and hesitant. »It’s okay. Breathe. Let it out«, he said, with his damn voice that was too comforting and calm; it broke the last bit of resistance I had left.

Jisung didn’t say a single word as he held the sobbing mess I was tightly, softly rocking me from side to side, his fingers running through my hair and over my back, his chest warm and his breathing steady against my forehead. The time it took to calm me down felt like an eternity, but he didn’t seem to mind.

»It was me.« I hadn’t meant to say it, it just slipped and it was too late to take it back, so I took a deep breath and continued opening up about it for the first time in six months. »I was the driver, Jisung.« 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back?? Damn, I'm incredibly sorry for taking so long. I just finished my first semester at university and it was exhausting as hell, to say the least. I'm going to try to write some more during my holidays so you won't have to wait for months again, I’ve already started writing the next chapter! This one was a bit shorter than usual, but I hope you still liked it~
> 
> If you feel the need to yell at me for what I did to Chan (the poor soul), I'm active on Twitter (@ddraig_arascain, tag me in your rant or leave a comment somewhere that you're coming from this fic so I'll follow you back and we can talk in the DMs uwu) and Instagram (@binniekayee)! You can just as well leave a comment to let me know what you think though! Thank you for reading uwu


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